Day 1 Monday, May 5th, 2014
Fat, Fat, Fatty call me whatever, but I have been fat my whole life.
I had the man of my dreams shock me when he dumped me and told me that the reason he was done with me was because I was fat and ugly! Never said that once to me over the many years that he was screwing me.
My heart was broke and I was determined, so I lost almost all of my weight. Still a bit chunky, but boy was I curvy, flat stomach, big boobs and hips. I saw him parked in the ball field as I was taking my walk and I walked up to him and threw open my coat and said, "How do I look now?" and I walked away not waiting for any comment. I still loved this man even though he is a shallow bastard and was just using me for a good time.
I have gained it all back over the years, plus more with the medical issues I had and the anti-depressants I was taking, but guess what that shallow bastard is back in my life since the woman he dumped me for took him for everything she could lay her hands on in the divorce :)
And this slim, trim man in uniform that I fell in love with is now a big fat blob. Touche!
But in my eyes, he is more handsome now than he was all those years ago.
I love him and I still want him, but he has made it clear to me that he does not love me, but he does want me.
But, I think the want is only for sex, cooking, cleaning, and being at his beck and call.
He took me in since I had become pretty much homeless so he is a good man, just a very selfish and shallow man. But he told me that if I was looking for love that I needed to move on.
So here I am beginning my journey for moving on.
My plan is to get my weight off and looking good by January 2015. At that time he has to decide if he wants to commit to me or not. If not I am moving on since I will be 60 years old and I will need to start living for me.
Day 2 Tuesday, May 6th, 2014
I was wanting to eat after I fixed him his dinner, but I fought it since I was so looking forward to seeing how much weight I lost for the day.
I mean it makes sense. It takes 3500 calories to make a pound so logically by eating only 360 and my body burns 2360 calories just to keep me alive so I should see at least a half pound loss.
So to see a 1.2 pound gain, that is such bullshit!!!!
So I guess today I up the calories and see how my body reacts to that?
I am sick of writing down everything I eat to make sure I do not go over a 1,000 calories and in three weeks of keeping my log I have not lost a single pound! This is why I am here now, making this struggle public, so that others can agonize with me, laugh at me, feel sorry for me or point out to others that this person has NO life!
So this Journey is for me to get a life. To shed this weight to see if Mr. Shallow, but weighs as much as I do can see me for the beauty inside instead of the outside and if he can't then I need to leave him and make a life for myself.
Today is a new day and I have already stripped the beds and have the laundry going. The dog peed all over the place which by the way is something we are not use to.
He is housebroken, but he is also an old dog and he has been having problems lately. He has always barked when he needed out and continued to do it during the day, but has stopped barking to get us up at night to let him out. Then today he just started peeing on the floor as he walked around, like he didn't even know what he was doing. I told my BF that maybe he has a urinary tract infection?
I made BF his breakfast of cereal, eggs and bacon and I decided to have food also this morning instead of having my usual protein shake.
I packed his lunch and sent him on his way to work.
Well BF has called the Vet and I now have to get him to the vets this afternoon so there goes my planned workout for today.
I did not take my medication today and it really shows. I ate whatever I wanted without a care in the world.
BF decided he wanted Pizza for dinner instead of the leftover roast beef so off I go to grab a pizza and have it ready by the time he gets home.
So of course I have 2 slices of pizza and he brought downstairs to the media room that delicious bag of Dove dark chocolate covering dried cranberries and I had two handfuls which is about 20 pieces.
I ate like a pig and will not forget my meds again. I have better luck not over eating if I have taken my meds.
The funny thing is that I felt so constipated the day before and after I ate my lunch I had to run to the bathroom in order to make it in time. Not blocked up after lunch.
I mean it makes sense. It takes 3500 calories to make a pound so logically by eating only 360 and my body burns 2360 calories just to keep me alive so I should see at least a half pound loss.
So to see a 1.2 pound gain, that is such bullshit!!!!
So I guess today I up the calories and see how my body reacts to that?
I am sick of writing down everything I eat to make sure I do not go over a 1,000 calories and in three weeks of keeping my log I have not lost a single pound! This is why I am here now, making this struggle public, so that others can agonize with me, laugh at me, feel sorry for me or point out to others that this person has NO life!
So this Journey is for me to get a life. To shed this weight to see if Mr. Shallow, but weighs as much as I do can see me for the beauty inside instead of the outside and if he can't then I need to leave him and make a life for myself.
I ate real light which I am glad that I did since I had a regular dinner with my BF and even a glass of wine :)
I made him Roast Beef, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn on the cob and a real nice and expensive bottle of red wine
When I was on the way to the store to shop for dinner I had called him and told him that I had made him a roast with a recipe that I got from the Internet that sounded interesting. He had me sitting in the parking lot of the store crying my eyes out since I was not making him my Balsamic vinegar roast which he loves. He tore me up one side and down the other for not listening to him when he says he likes something not to go and try other things.
He did call me back later and apologized for yelling at me over such a stupid thing.
Hey Buddy, Damage already done. Got it! So why do I stay? You probably believe for the most stupidest reason, I love him and I made a promise to someone very dear to me that I would watch over him.
As we headed home from shopping he stopped and got me a chocolate dip ice cream cone from McDonalds. It was delicious, but I was not going to deny myself and make it even harder on me.
Crazy thing is that I upped my calories and finally lost weight! So I will try to eat a little more than I have.
Day 3 Wednesday, May 7th, 2014
Today is a new day and I have already stripped the beds and have the laundry going. The dog peed all over the place which by the way is something we are not use to.
He is housebroken, but he is also an old dog and he has been having problems lately. He has always barked when he needed out and continued to do it during the day, but has stopped barking to get us up at night to let him out. Then today he just started peeing on the floor as he walked around, like he didn't even know what he was doing. I told my BF that maybe he has a urinary tract infection?
I made BF his breakfast of cereal, eggs and bacon and I decided to have food also this morning instead of having my usual protein shake.
I packed his lunch and sent him on his way to work.
Well BF has called the Vet and I now have to get him to the vets this afternoon so there goes my planned workout for today.
I did not take my medication today and it really shows. I ate whatever I wanted without a care in the world.
BF decided he wanted Pizza for dinner instead of the leftover roast beef so off I go to grab a pizza and have it ready by the time he gets home.
So of course I have 2 slices of pizza and he brought downstairs to the media room that delicious bag of Dove dark chocolate covering dried cranberries and I had two handfuls which is about 20 pieces.
I ate like a pig and will not forget my meds again. I have better luck not over eating if I have taken my meds.
The funny thing is that I felt so constipated the day before and after I ate my lunch I had to run to the bathroom in order to make it in time. Not blocked up after lunch.
Day 4 Thursday, May 8th, 2014
Got up this morning and had my bowl of Wonderslim cereal with raspberries and next thing I know an hour later I am eating the last 3 slices of my leftover pizza from last night. That is when I realize I had not taken my medication so as I finished eating 8 pieces of Dove chocolate cranberries and got off my arse and got my meds down me. So now I have to stay busy the rest of the day and not think about eating since I know I have already had my calories for the day.
I am going to try to get off my arse and get some exercise in today to see if I can burn off some of these unneeded calories I pigged out on.
Well no real exercise today again. BF called and wanted me to run his SUV up to the car wash and since he decided to go and golf after work I needed to run his golfing attire to him at his job.
I have done well though on the eating. I have no had anything to eat since I had that pizza this morning for lunch. This makes it a bit easier for me since I no longer have to cook him his dinner since he won't be getting home until late so I told him to call on his way home and I can throw together leftovers and have them ready when he comes in the door.
Writing this blog makes me think that I may have been a decent writer except for the fact I am to lazy to flesh out the whole story to keep their interest. If I could just talk and let the write do the writing we could write some great stories lol.
I am getting hungry and I am getting bored sitting home alone so trying to concentrate on not eating, but it isn't working. I am now going to eat some diet chips that I got from Diet Direct as my dinner. Will be interesting to see what tomorrows weight will show.
Well no real exercise today again. BF called and wanted me to run his SUV up to the car wash and since he decided to go and golf after work I needed to run his golfing attire to him at his job.
I have done well though on the eating. I have no had anything to eat since I had that pizza this morning for lunch. This makes it a bit easier for me since I no longer have to cook him his dinner since he won't be getting home until late so I told him to call on his way home and I can throw together leftovers and have them ready when he comes in the door.
Writing this blog makes me think that I may have been a decent writer except for the fact I am to lazy to flesh out the whole story to keep their interest. If I could just talk and let the write do the writing we could write some great stories lol.
I am getting hungry and I am getting bored sitting home alone so trying to concentrate on not eating, but it isn't working. I am now going to eat some diet chips that I got from Diet Direct as my dinner. Will be interesting to see what tomorrows weight will show.
Day 5-09 Friday-Tuesday, May 9-13th, 2014
I have not posted or followed any routine since I have been having crisis after crisis in my life and was just giving up on everything including life.
Day 10 Wednesday, May 14th, 2014
I am getting back on track as of today and will try my best to keep things going. I am going to commit to one week at a time since I never seem to never finish anything that I start. I got so sick of killing myself by barely eating and seeing no weight loss that I was totally besides myself. I have lost the same 5 pounds probably ten times in the last month.
I started taking 5-HTP and will see if this helps any. So since I took the pill this afternoon I am unable to sleep since I have so much energy which is good, but I will take in the morning instead of the afternoon from now on.
So when I wake up in the morning there will be a new daily weight which I expect will be much higher than my starting weight and we will take it from there.
Day 11 Thursday, May 15th, 2014
Back on track and starting a new day. My weight is higher than ever, but this is the price to pay when you say, "F@ck It."
My rant is about Sterling oi the Clippers. No one should have to lose their team because of comments made privately. He may be a slime, but if he is forced to sell his team and his wife loses her share then the other owners better watch out since they could have the same thing happen to them. Sounds like the Freedom of Speech is longer valid in our country. I don't like the fact that our flag can be burnt, but I do like the fact that the freedom is there if you wish to express yourself.
If we get punished for our thoughts. Heaven help us all.
So team owners when you go to vote, Ye without sin cast the first stone!!!.
Day 12 Friday, May 16th, 2014
Spent the day sitting in a casino gambling for the whole day. it has been such a long time since I have been able to that and I had fun.
Found a new slot machine which combined the two games that I love to play, Four Card Keno and Cleopatra Keno all in one game. It comes with a 90% payout so I like playing this game since I can rack up the points and spend very little money :)
Met some great people from Verizon. What a great bunch of people. I hit 3000 quarters so that kept me playing all day!
Good thing about sitting in a casino is that I don't even think about food or eating.
Day 13 Saturday, May 17th, 2014
What a day. Nice, relaxed, yet somewhat busy. The way a weekend is suppose to be.
Woke up feeling like crap, tired, stuffed nose and definitely not in the mood for fooling around which he got the hint real quick.
So instead of me cooking.. He took me out for breakfast. Normally I would have been complaining since people were being served that walked in after us, but I was actually starting to enjoy my day and was feeling better. I guess I am in the beginning stages of having allergies?
We washed and cleaned out one of the cars and then went to the furniture store to look around since he has a $200 credit that needs to be used. We didn't find anything there, but we walked the mall and got a couple of items from the Kitchen store and I got some flip flops from Old Navy.
We both really do not like shopping. We are the go get what you are after and leave, So we decided after getting gas that we would go home and mow the 6 acres instead of hitting Sams and Walmart for our groceries. We will just do that on Sunday. So came home did our work, grilled some nice KC strip steaks and had a nice dinner and then played dominos and watched tv until bedtime.
Only bad news of the day was the Ex-wife yet once again wanting something from him, as if she hadn't already taken enough. So Sunday we now have to do her bidding.
Day 14 Sunday, May 18th, 2014
Had a nice relaxed morning just lounging around in the bed and then made blueberry waffles for breakfast.
I have made berries very much a part of my breakfast everyday now.
I suggested that we run the tree saw over to his Ex-wife so that we could continue with our plans we had for the day instead of sitting at home waiting on her ass to show up whenever she pleased and he took the suggestion great. It was nice to hear him put us and out time ahead of her for once.
So it will be off to do our grocery shopping and again working around the homestead. Be nice to throw in a matinee, but will just play it by ear.
My rant for today was Michelle Obama on the front page since she talked to the graduating Seniors at the high schools here. Why do the speakers wear robes? They aren't graduating! They should just wear a nice business suit! The robes are for the Seniors and them alone!
Day 15 Monday, May 19th, 2014
Busy, busy day. Went to the real estate office and was in training all day long. Ran home did three loads of laundry, washed,, folded, put away. Stripped bed and made with fresh linens. Made his breakfast, packed his lunch and cooked dinner.
Settled down to a quiet rest of the evening which turned into 2 bottles of wine, a game of dominos and watching The Voice.
I was tired and slept real good!
Almost had a car accident that would have been my fault. Thank goodness God watches over stupid people also.
Day 16 Tuesday, May 20th, 2014
Little ticked over the fact that the alarm went off 10 minutes earlier than usual. When I asked why BF set the clock for 10 minutes sooner, I was informed that was so that I could give him the 10 minute back rub he gets every morning before getting out of bed, but now it wasn't on HIS time!
Jumped up and made breakfast. I just had a shake. Packed his lunch and sent him off to work. I jumped in the car and ran to the realty office for a sales meeting, then to the lawyers, grocery store, back here to catch up on my blog and I still need to cut up a chicken from last night and make chicken enchiladas for dinner, pick out some clothes for BF and meet him at his dentist at 2:10 pm so that he can change his clothes and we can go golf after the dental appointment.
Had a great late afternoon golfing. I am new to this sport and am enjoying it since I am seeing improvement each time I go out. Last time out I had an 89! This evening I cut 21 strokes off of my score with a 68! Now when I can get down into the 40's I will be totally on the moon. Practice and more practice.
Had a great late afternoon golfing. I am new to this sport and am enjoying it since I am seeing improvement each time I go out. Last time out I had an 89! This evening I cut 21 strokes off of my score with a 68! Now when I can get down into the 40's I will be totally on the moon. Practice and more practice.
Day 17 Wednesday, May 21th, 2014
Amazing as I watch what is going on with me. I know that I am boring, but I need this accountability.
Today is a strange day for me. My son has two daughters that were one year old on May 14th and the other will be 2 years old on May 28th. I heard that he is having a birthday party for my two granddaughters tonight and I was not invited. My son does not approve of the man that I am living with so he punishes me by not allowing me to see my granddaughters.
You would think that my BF would recognize the sacrifice I make to be with him, but he still does not want me for the long haul.
I sent a text to my son to ask him if he would like to go to Kansas City with me this morning for some us time. I have not heard back.
One thing that I noticed was that while I was trying so hard and stressing over calorie counts, amounts, etc. I was gaining weight and miserable. Now that I am eating whatever and not counting calories and stressing over what to eat and not to eat I am losing weight. Slowly, but I am going down instead of up.
One thing that I noticed was that while I was trying so hard and stressing over calorie counts, amounts, etc. I was gaining weight and miserable. Now that I am eating whatever and not counting calories and stressing over what to eat and not to eat I am losing weight. Slowly, but I am going down instead of up.
Well just got a text back from my son saying that he has plans today so he can't go to KC with me for the morning. Heck, the party isn't even until tonight. But I didn't say anything about knowing he is having a party that I am not invited to. I did let him know that I want him to remember that it was "I" that did extend the olive branch.
Day 18 Thursday, May 22th, 2014
Oh, what a day! Had a nightmare about being back to work and they had gone through another uniform change and I did not have the correct uniform and it was time to clock in. Thank goodness I woke up, but still had enough bullshit and I don't need bullshit in my sleep. I have enough of it while awake!
Ran to the Realty office for two meetings. Had a third no show that gave me a very lame text message, but I was polite.
I got a text from my son thanking me for the birthday presents for my granddaughters! Shocker!!!! Still pissed me off that the ex that does nothing for them was there and I which gives them free rent is excluded. Oh well.
Doctor calls and says he wants me to come in at 3:30 today since my disability insurance company is trying to figure out a way not to pay me my monthly check.
So another trip back into town. Doctor is sweet as can be. Didn't even charge me for the visit. But he is sick and tired of the Insurance companies trying to tell him how to treat me when they have never met me. BF is out golfing and probably with the ex-bitch that he loves doing her bidding every time she barks.
So I planted some more plants in my garden and am just going to relax for the rest of the evening even though I have a ton of housework.
Social Security is making me see "their" doctor now before approving or denying my claim. I thought having four doctors that have all certified that I cannot work along with the tests that they ran should have been good enough, but apparently not.
I am betting that this doctor since they pick him and pay him probably has a deal that if you have to agree with the other doctors and we have to approve her we willl pay you the fee of $50. If you can say that she can work and we can deny her then we will pay you $500. Not sure if true or not, but I believe it!
